As the cool breeze blows my hair, the chirps of the birds make me feel at peace. The sight of the sea & the sound of waves complete me. It’s all too unreal compared to the mundane mornings I spent in the auto rickshaw wishing to escape the usual Mumbai city traffic. Right now my mane moves in an unsynchronised motion, I’m a lioness in the wild. This is it. This is home! My wish has come true!
For the first time in months I feel my smile as it spreads across my face. Not that I had forgotten how to smile, but this one was different, it wasn’t the usual mechanical I see my clients, we lock a deal, we shake hands, smile and move onto the next potential client kind of smile. This one made me feel butterflies. As a small tear drops onto my cheek. I love you! I whisper to myself. The words weren’t for any one in particular but they held a lot more meaning than they ever have to me.
I have always cherished the idea of romance. I have wondered how falling in love would feel. Does true, undying love really exist? Maybe it’s just limited to the novels that are sitting in my dad’s library. Can two people love each other the way it has been portrayed by the likes of Jane Austin, William Blake, Thomas Hardy or anyone who dared to express their love for the world to read?
It’s easy to forget how to love in a city like this, consumed by daily routines, the weekend social scenes. We tend to bend more towards what’s beneficial to our status with in the society. The people we work with, the people we “chill” with, all somehow fall into a grading pyramid based upon the ideals set by the “society”.
As I came home one night, tired of the sounds of the busy streets, irritating horns of the buses and cars that I couldn’t escape even in my own personal space. These windows should be sound proof, I thought to myself. I made my way towards the fridge. Some ice cold water usually calmed my senses after a hectic day, I felt the first sip touch my lips, it had reached my mouth & I gulped it all down. A sudden realisation of how thirsty I actually was hit me. I realised that I too had fallen into this wearisome life, intentionally or unintentionally. Attending a nine to five job, and hopelessly looking for love in my life, which I didn’t need but wanted as a distraction from the tedious week long circle that never ended.
I had forgotten to attend to myself. I looked around, my books just sat on the shelves, and my cycle stood in a corner of the house there was no more time to ride it. I reached for my paints & they had dried, very much like my life at that moment. I laughed at myself a little. Too busy looking for other distractions, I had forgotten to love myself. Then came the idea to move to where I needed to be. To be what I wanted to be. A realisation that I wasn’t searching for someone else to love. I had just lost myself that I once loved.
Today is a different day but with my old self. The girl I loved to be before she got lost in concrete jungle constrained by the idea that more money meant more success, which lead to a happy life or “future”. And I realise the only thing that leads to a happy life is happy you.
The book I started reading last night lays on my bedside & as I write this, something I have always wanted to do. It gives me the same joy I felt when I got my first bicycle from my dad. The free me, the happy me.